Hello lovely Substack family,
Today I’m setting new intentions for my letters to you.
I’ve been stuck in my head of late with the practicalities of life and I’ve also been feeling very, very sad around the loss of Doug and Mum.
As a result the capacity for creativity has been almost non-existent.
There’s also been something else going on that I only realised fully this morning.
When I began sharing here it was from my heart. A picture, a conversation, a moment in time or a memory would spark a download of words to be written and posted to you with hope in my heart they would resonate in some way and/or help you feel not so alone.
Lately, the downloads have been few and far between.
The place where my heart takes me when I’m ‘in the zone’ putting words on paper really is like another worldly dimension - slipping into the solitude and calm this zone gives me is the most precious of experiences.
To sound like a weirdo it feels spiritual. I don’t question it, I just give over to it!
Anyway, what I’ve realised (with some help from a conversation during a spiritual counselling session) is that when I have ‘tried’ to write my feelings of late I’ve been more in my head than slipping into my heart.
I’ve been thinking that without the poetic verses and flow that come to me when I’m in my heart space my writing is not worth sharing - that it won’t be what you signed up for without it.
That… (dare I say it and sound like a try hard) that you won’t think it’s good enough or worthy of your time or your paid investment.
This morning my logical brain is smacking me on the back of the head and calling ‘bullshit’!
Calling it for what it is - ego talk with a hefty side dose of imposter syndrome.
I think I’ve fed these demanding little demons way too much recently (and every year I’ve been writing on the internet if I’m going to be completely honest) and they’re taking up waaaaay too much space in my life - it’s time they are starved of their power.
So I’ve made a promise to my heart to get out of my head.
I’ve pledged devotion to its calling of showing up here each Sunday and share what my heart has to offer - whether the poetic downloads of verse come or not and without expectation of an outcome from the sharing.
Intention over (self) expectation.
And so, my intention is to show up led by heart.
Some weeks that may look like only a few sips of your cuppa before the piece is over, other weeks you may need a full pot of tea with extra toast and jam to finish my letter, but either way my heart and I will be here in all its rawness and vulnerability… poetically or not.
Hopefully you can join me each week for a virtual cuppa and our collective hearts can support each other through the threads that bind us… our truths.
You’re welcome to bring a friend if you like? Copy and share this link so they can join our Sunday morning ritual of a hot cup of tea with words to read.
Now it’s on with today’s letter to Doug.
With love to you all,
Sandra Xx
Dear Doug,
This morning I woke from some sort of dream where ‘Let it be’ was playing in the background - only when I woke the words were still being sung ever so gently across and around my body in subtle tones.
Was it you sending me a message?
Was it?
It was soothing, I felt so calm and held - a feeling I’d not felt for a very long time.
I laid there snuggled beneath the haven of the moment until sadness crept in and took over. The distraction of stepping into the day was needed.
But, sitting here now, sipping on my tea from your mug, reflecting on this morning's wake up melody, my eyes close on the inhale of a deep breath and the calm washes over me once more, it’s welcomed, and oh so nice… oh so nice.
I’ve been trying things on for size to see where I fit in a world without you and Mum.
I’ve taken part in workshops, mentorship, spiritual counselling and life coaching asking myself questions like: What do I want to do with myself? What skills do I have I can build on to bring in extra income? What lights me up?
Almost two and a half years on from losing you I still don’t know the answers… three months on from losing Mum I feel like I’m back at the beginning of my grief trying to work out ‘What now?’.
I pass by all the different springboards of possibilities in my mind that I could leap from to dive into new and different lives of my choosing, yet nothing is pulling me close, nothing is appealing, nothing feels ‘right’ - it’s like if I get too close to the springboards they’ll take me further away from you.
And so, I’ll heed the whispered words of wisdom from this morning and just let things be and stop trying to work it all out, for as the song says, there will be an answer… let it be.
Until next time Dougie all my love always,
Sandra Xx
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I'm going to sound like the biggest cliche, but... when we loosen our grip and stop forcing ourselves where we think we ought to be, we create space for the universe to work its magic for us. In the right way for us. At the right time for us. Our work really is to "let it be" - the most simple and most difficult thing to do for a human being!