The Last Six Months - an epiphany
The crowd swayed and sang as one. All unified in a moment in time crafted by magical storytellers weaving spells of harmony and connection with melody and words in and around and through every one of us.
I sang and swayed with the masses contributing to the euphoric atmosphere I’d not ever felt before, surrounded by thousands of strangers all feeling like one.
And as Neil Finn sang the lyrics “You better be home soon” for the last time in the performance it was then I noticed my tears, it was then I felt your arms around me, it was then your presence was palpable… and I’ve not felt it since.
Was it your final goodbye?
If you are reading from your inbox tap the letter heading/title to go through to the website to like and comment. Xx
Hi there Doug,
It’s been a hot minute.
Last Christmas our boy and his girl bought me a ticket to see Crowded House at the Sidney Myer Music Bowl at their April concert. Artists that create timeless music connecting generations are precious gifts to the world.
I’d never been to the Sidney Myer Music Bowl for a concert before, so for my first event to be one of our most favourite bands was beyond exciting. I am so proud of myself for surfing through my social anxiety and making a promise to myself that I would definitely go. I miss being able to ride on your grounded strength when it comes to being amongst a lot of people though. How thoughtful was our boy?
This Wednesday the 3rd of June will mark 18 months since you went away.
I find it more difficult now to speak out loud about that time and the events leading up to it than I did in the early days of your death and my grief. Loss is an unpredictable, unique multi-layered beast.
I’ve struggled with writing my open letters to you these last six months. I’d share my thoughts with you when I was on the tail end of working through the them and the good or bad memories – but there hasn’t been much working through of anything lately. I need uninterrupted alone time to think and be creative – it’s how I connect with my soul and make peace with the troubles. That space has been elusive.
I did manage to micro blog on Instagram for 23 days in June. I secretly set myself a challenge to write every day for that month and it was going really well… for 23 days… and then I stopped. It was a conscious choice to stop though because I wasn’t getting the quiet time needed to write until late at night and I knew I needed to prioritise sleep instead – I needed to be ‘all there’ for a family member’s care needs and me napping during the day to recharge batteries was not attainable. So I made the call.
In other news…
I’ve been keeping myself way too distracted because those last few months we were together have been on repeat in my head, as have many unpleasant illness episodes and hospital experiences, and even though I know I need to feel the feels and ‘lean into the emotions’ (my inner counsellor speak) I don’t have the luxury of the emersion needed for the processing and healing right now (does one ever get the total whitespace needed for such things? Is there ever a healing?)
For those reading along who may be worried I’m shoving it all down in the denial bin and it will come back to bite me big time in the future you are probably right. But I’m fully open to flinging the lid off that marinating cess pool when the time presents itself. Now is not that time for reasons I won’t go into. Sometimes you just have to trust your gut and micro manage what comes to the surface when you can.
I’ve branched off like a tree again, I was leading into keeping myself too distracted…
I was looking for something to bring in some extra coin that I could manage while still being available for Mum. I came out of Hot Stone Massage retirement thinking I could manage a few clients a week working from home.
My nerve damage from cancer operations and grief fatigue put a halt to that. It was a shame because I really loved the beautiful tranquil space I’d created in the front room to work from.
I’ve also enjoyed transforming our bedroom into a haven I love sitting in any time of day, so I thought why not join Lorraine Lea Linen and help other people create tranquil havens in their homes? I adore LL products. Only I didn’t want to do the party plan side of it, just direct sell beautiful, exclusive boutique linen and homewares and help people design dreamy bedrooms via my social platforms.
Spoiler alert: The irony of joining a party plan model business and not wanting to run my business AS a party plan model business was not lost on me Doug – so of course my ideas are tanking. But I’m not upset about it at all. Swings and round-abouts and all that. I’m just trying different things on to see if they are a good fit.
I am not good at marketing, or should I say, I don’t really enjoy the marketing side of things. I think I’m possibly good at creating and they are two entirely different things with entirely different skillsets and levels of commitment.
Marketing is strategic and planned – creativity for me is spontaneous and organic. I’m not sure I can marry the two.
Commitment and consistency needed for strategy?
Not my strong point without you around to keep me on track.
That I can do.
Case in point, driving you crazy changing the loungeroom around at 1 o’clock in the morning because the mood and idea struck! Sitting beside you to all hours of the night tapping away at the keyboard or putting pen to paper while you slept because the words were dropping in from outer space.
That’s my sweet spot.
I have come to one big realisation throughout this whole distraction of the ‘trying things on season of my life’ (this is where you would normally start rubbing your forehead in trepidation for what hair-brain idea I might be hatching next).
I love sharing and crafting together thoughts like the following to express how I’m feeling;
Melodies rang from the treetops, skipping along the leaves like keys on a piano until they pierced the crisp air with their tones of glee – morning bird song from branches deep within that I pretended were sung just for me.
Halos of orange haze framed the rooftops and distant trees etched themselves as silhouettes on the horizon for a moment in time. The colours of a sunrise last only for fleeting moments. The greyness of my heart shall last all day.
It’s been a rough week of missing you.
I don’t so much love putting together copy writing, like the following, to highlight a product even if I believe in and love the product;
Does anyone else remember the morning Cherie Blair (wife of UK former Prime Minister Tony Blair) opened her front door to a delivery of flowers with epic bed hair? The Paparazzi went banana's over it. Poor love!
If only she'd known the benefits of a good silk pillow case at the time. The flash frenzy would have been averted; epic mortification prevented!
And I’m not posting that photo of her because that would be mean. Using the moment, albeit tongue in cheek, to highlight my point is bad enough.
I’ve met some beautiful ladies who write copy beautifully and I admire them greatly. Just not sure I can do it.
The one constant thing woven through every fibre of the fabric of my life to date has been creative non-fiction expressive writing. You would encourage me often to share with you whatever piece I may have been crafting while you had been sleeping beside me. Mostly only your ears and my eyes would be privy to it.
So the moral of the realisation?
Simple really (and not worth rubbing your forehead over Doug I promise)!
Do more of what I love!
And that is?
Writing letters to you.
Actively seek to short-circuit the disconnect I’ve felt for the last six months with you that’s come from my own hand. I want to remember what it felt like to sit beside you late at night while I sipped my tea, you with your milo and Jam Fancy biscuits, chatting about the days events and what we’d like to achieve for tomorrow.
Yep, I’m going to do more of that - create that feeling if I can!
And the linen business?
Well, that’s a letter for another day.
All my love,
PS. Guess what? Apparently I fit a category! Independent Creative Non-Fiction Writer/Author! How wild is that? If you’d like to shout me a cup of Earl Grey Tea while I type away bringing these open letters to you and support my creative pursuits in the process you can do so by hitting the button below. Your contribution to my tea habit means the world to me. Thank you Xx
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