Hi there Doug!
It’s been a while between letters, not because I haven’t been thinking of you, you’re still everywhere and nowhere every second of my waking day and in every breath while I sleep without you physically snoring beside me at night. Writing has just been hard, but holding you close in my heart always comes easy.
I’ve heard it said that music is what feelings sound like. If I were a melody I’d be the gentle tones of guitar carrying soulful words in unison of a sad song, drifting softly on the breeze swirling its way to heaven.
This morning I listened to John Denver’s “Like a Sad Song”. Could he sum up my realisation of life in the aftermath of loss in all its duality of sadness alongside happy moments with anymore eloquence? I think not…
Usually in the morning I'm filled with sweet belonging
And everything is beautiful to see
Even when it's raining, the sound of heaven singing
Is simply joyful music to me
Sometimes I feel like a sad song
Like I'm all alone without you
So many different places, a million smiling faces
Life is so incredible to me
Especially to be near you and how it is to touch you
Oh, paradise was made for you and me
I know that life goes on just perfectly
And everything is just the way that it should be
Still there are times when my heart feels like breaking
Anywhere is where I'd rather be
Oh, and in the night time I know that it's the right time
To hold you close and say I love you so
To have someone to share with
And someone I can care with
And that is why I wanted you to know
Sometimes I feel like a sad song
Like I'm all alone without you, without you
Like a Sad Song, John Denver
Even though life doesn’t always feel like it’s going on perfectly, and everything doesn’t always feel that it’s just the way it should be - it is what it is - and it goes on with or without you (damn it) - just like the duality of a sad song. Beautiful, moving, joyous and sorrowful, all opposites walking hand in hand, in unison, as one, throughout the course of every day as life goes on.
The calendar has ticked over a New Year today Doug and I’m fighting off the notion of not wanting to embrace the clear slate of a fresh year because I feel like you’ve been left behind in the year that was, forever, and there will never be the opportunity for you to take up space in the pages of these new days yet to be written.
But really, that’s complete nonsense. I’ve never left you behind in any way since I was 19 years old. Not about to start now because I’ve flipped the page on a calendar. Time – significant and insignificant in equal measures revealing meanings that neither of us have ever experienced before.
So today as I listen to the sound of my feelings I’ll continue to sway through the ebb and flow of the duality of life. I’ll continue to live my life as we lived our life together – with a hint of humour and thankfulness, taking it a day at a time. And because “Some things can’t be fixed, they can only be carried” (Megan Devine), I’ll continue to carry you with me into every day of every year until my last breath meets yours.
Lost and alone on some forgotten highway
Traveled by many, remembered by few
Lookin' for something that I can believe in
Lookin' for something that I'd like to do with my life
There's nothin' behind me and nothin' that ties me to
Something that might have been true yesterday
Tomorrow is open, right now it seems to be more than enough
To just be here today, and I don't know
What the future is holdin' in store
I don't know where I'm goin' I'm not sure where I've been
There's a spirit that guides me, a light that shines for me
My life is worth the livin', I don't need to see the end
Sweet, sweet surrender, live, live without care
Like a fish in the water, like a bird in the air
Sweet Surrender, John Denver
All my love forever and always,
Post edited to credit Rhonda Locker Photography for this gorgeous pic at our Briag home (Sorry Rhonda, forgot to credit at the time) Xx